Posts tagged "shit my husband says"
Better hide the gay porn.
Oh no, I mean the opposite of that.
PS: Butts.
- Husband: *groggily* Goddammit, I slept in way too much this morning.
- Husband: Well, I'll just catch up on work this weekend, I suppose. Again.
- Me: Yes, because that's healthy.
- Husband: Then I'll work late.
- Husband: Free time is for the weak.
- Me: Exactly.
- Me: Plenty of time for the earth in the grave.
- Husband: Did you... Did you just passively-aggressively quote Conan the Barbarian at me?
- Me: Yes.
- Me: Yes I did.
- Me: Deal with it.
- Husband: And did you just quote Korra at me? Just now?
- Me: ...
- Me: ...
- Me: ...
- Me: Deal with it.
- Me: (*plays "Heat of the Moment" three times in a row to lure Husband into office*)
- Husband: (*is finally lured*)
- Me: I was wondering how many times it would take before you came over to investigate.
- Husband: I almost played this for you today to wake you up. But even I'm not that much of a dick.
- Me: Aww.
- Me: Now, see, that's love.
- Husband: (*smirks*) Well. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow instead.
- Me: But you can't. Tomorrow it'll be Wednesday.
- Husband: ... Will it?
- Me: GRARRRRGH
- Me: I'M ANGRY
- Husband: But I closed the kitchen cabinets this time--
- Me: NOT AT YOU. AT SUPERNATURAL. GRARGH
- Husband: ... Oh.
- Husband: What's wrong?
- Me: THE LATEST EPISODE.
- Me: IT WAS SO BAD.
- Me: SO, SO BAD.
- Husband: Oh no. How did they screw up the rules this time?
- Me: WELL FIRST THEY -- Wait, what?
- Husband: Well, you only get that angry if someone fucked with canon.
- Me: ...
- Me: ...
- Me: You -- you really do love me, don't you?
- Husband: I enjoy following you.
- Husband: *winks*
I have created a monster.
- Husband: So I could ship anyone.
- Me: Yep, I guess.
- Husband: Like, you and me.
- Me: Nice try, but not particularly creative.
- Husband: Okay. Hmm. Like, um, the Obamas.
- Me: *sideeye* Uh, sure.
- Husband: I could write a story about Michelle and Barack going out to, like, a baseball game. That would be me shipping them.
- Me: Honey, I don't think you understand the purpose of shipping fic yet.
- Husband: *blank stare*
- Me: Shipping... well... it's not G-rated.
- Me: Unless they go to Wrigley Field and have sex on the field, you're not doing it right.
- Husband: *thinks for a moment*
- Husband: People are weird on the Internet.
- Me: That they are.
- Husband: ...
- Me: ...
- Husband: ... Bush. And Rumsfeld.
- Me: What?
- Husband: Bush. And Rumsefld. I'll call it... hmm... Bushfeld.
- Me: OH GOD. WHAT.
- Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- Husband: *wicked grin* Shipping.
- Me: STOP IT.
- Husband: Bushfeld going to Wrigley Field
- Me: STOP IT.
- Husband: Having sex on Wrigley Field.
- Me: STOP IT BEFORE I DIVORCE YOU.
- Husband: Two Republicans, One Cup.
- Me: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH
- Husband: *whispers to himself* Now the student becomes the master.
- Husband: You can't be serious.
- Me: I totally am.
- Husband: Real people.
- Me: Yep.
- Husband: You can't ship real people.
- Me: I swear they do. Like, people ship Gideon Emery and Adam Howden. And in the Supernatural fandom, you've got, what, J2? Cockles?
- Husband: Cockles.
- Me: Yep. Jensen Ackles and Mish-
- Husband: COCKLES.
- Me: *nods* As in it warms the cockles of my--
- Husband: *moans*
- Husband: Oh god. Why?!
- Husband: Why did you tell me this?
- Me: *cackles*
- Me: Sorry, love. You can't go back. You can never go back. You can't go home again.
- Me: This is your Hero's Journey.
- Me: Your Hero's Journey of Shipping.
- Husband: Well, consider this my Refusal of the Call.
- Husband: *leaves room*
- Husband: Did you know that Azula and Ty Lee are a thing?
- Me: What? I don't remember that on the show.
- Husband: No, I mean on the internet. It's a ship.
- Husband: I used that word correctly, right? A ship?
- Me: Yes you...
- Me: ...
- Me: Wait.
- Me: You... ship Azula and Ty Lee.
- Husband: What? No. Who? Me?
- Me: You totally do. YOU TOTALLY SHIP AZULA AND TY LEE.
- Husband: ... I regret nothing.
- Husband: Jesus, is gay sex really that big a deal?
- Me: That's... an interesting way to say good morning.
- Husband: *dramatic, put-upon sigh*
- Husband: Here. *shows me this morning's Penny Arcade*
- Husband: I mean, are people still talking about this?
- Me: Well, ME3 is the first time your bro!Shep can sleep with men. So it is a big deal.
- Husband: But Dragon Age let you do it from the very beginning.
- Me: Different stories, different audiences, I guess.
- Me: And remember how much complaining there was about Anders coming onto you? Or Zevran?
- Me: Nobody seems to have cared too much about the lesbian romances.
- Husband: Well, yeah.
- Husband: Two girls are hot.
- Me: So are two guys.
- Husband: *thinks for a moment* I concede your point.
- Husband: Still, I'm just waiting for BioWare to say, "We're releasing a patch that fixes the bug where BioWare comes into your house and forces you to select all the dialogue options that makes you sleep with a dude."
- Me: Why would they do that?
- Me: It's part of their evil plan.
- Me: To force every man in this world to be an unwilling partner in a fictional gay romance.
- Husband: David Gaider's ridiculously circuitous plan is one-quarter complete.
- Me: You know, I've seen him accused of many things before, but never of being the Robot Devil.
- Husband: You know it works.
- Husband: I bet if I went to Edmonton right now, I could challenge him to a golden fiddle playing contest.
- Husband: I'd totally win.
- Husband: But what if I want to, say, show my mom my dash. How do I show her just the cooking blogs, and not the femslash blogs?
- Me: Honey, listen to me, and this is very important.
- Me: You never show your mother your dash.
- Me: Never.
- Husband: But--
- Me: NEVER.
Hey, now. It’s not fair to call her a nymphomaniac just because she wears really short skirts.
*pause*
Or a slut.
*pause*
Jesus, woman. Just shut up before I mute you.
- Me: So we talked about race a lot this week on Knickerweasels.
- Husband: Haha. Like whether Isabela was white or brown?
- Me: No.
- Me: Isabela was always brown.
- Husband: *laughs* Yeah, I bet that's a big debate on Tumblr.
- Me: No.
- Me: No debate.
- Me: Isabela was always brown.
- Husband: Well, that's your opinion.
- Me: NO DEBATE.
- Me: NO OPINION.
- Me: ISABELA WAS ALWAYS BROWN.
- Husband: But in the Pearl--
- Me: BAD LIGHTING.
- Husband: But the promo stuff--
- Me: MARKETING DEPARTMENT.
- Husband: Honey, you're frothing.
- Me: NO I'M NOT.
- Me: ...
- Me: ...
- Me: Okay, yes I am.
- Me: But Isabela was always brown.
- Husband: I know.
- Me: ISABELA WAS--wait, what?
- Husband: I said I know.
- Me: But--but--then what was all that before?
- Husband: It's just fun to troll you sometimes.
- Me: Confession time. I ship Terra/Edgar
- Husband: Really? But. Well. Edgar's just so... so... old for her.
- Me: And Leo isn't?
- Husband: Well, I mean he's more... experienced. Sexually.
- Me: And Leo isn't?
- Husband: Um.
- Husband: Edgar has crappy hair?
- Me: Oh my god you did not just knock Edgar's ponytail.
- Me: One, that's cheap. And two, you're just jealous. And three, you're wrong.
- Me: Team ponytail all the way.
- Husband: [stare]
- Me: [stare]
- Husband: ...
- Me: ...
- Husband: You know, you take my childhood to strange places.
- Me: Didn't the Internet already do that for you?
- Husband: Point taken.
- Me: Oh, and also I ship Terra/Locke.
- Husband: Pssh. Locke/Celes OTP for life.
- Husband: I need a new book to read.
- Me: This one not doing it for you?
- Husband: Well, it's not *awful*. But it's not good, either. It's like, it's juuust good enough.
- Husband: And the romance in it is just terrible.
- Me: How's the sex scene?
- Husband: There's no sex scene.
- Me: Huh?
- Me: You mean, you just haven't gotten there yet.
- Husband: No. I mean, I'm 50 pages from the the end, and there's no sex scene.
- Husband: Although he did have a conversation with a friend about whether or not they were dating. "I like her, but I'm not sure I *like* her, like her," that kind of thing.
- Me: Ugh.
- Me: Well, that's dumb.
- Me: Why would you read a book with no sex in it?
- Husband: They can't all be fanfic, love.
- Me: Hey now. At least in the stories I read, characters get laid.
- Me: The very definition of a happy ending.
- Husband: In more ways than one.
